Saturday, July 30, 2005
> > Every day clients tell me about their problems, often
> > in great detail,
> > and I've noticed patterns that show up over and over.
> > For many people,
> > life's problems are viewed as "not enough money" or
> > "not enough time".
> > For couples, the problems are often around
> > communication" or "parenting" or sex. They think if
> > they only had more money or more time or better sex
> > or a better job, things would be wonderful.
> >
> > But it doesn't work that way, because these things are
> > not the BIG
> > PROBLEM. From my experience, I suggest life's really
> > big problems are:
> >
> > 1. Tunnel Vision.
> > The tendency to focus only on the immediate crisis or
> > sore spot. Under
> > stress, things look worse or more complex than they
> > really are. The
> > solution: Perspective. Ask if it will matter in 6
> > months. Ask what else
> > is going on? How did I create this situation and, in
> > an ideal world, what would I like to do about it?
> >
> > 2. Fear.
> > The anxiety or terror that things will go badly, that
> > we will fail or
> > be embarrassed. The solution: Humor and Curiosity.
> > Modern life has very
> > few saber-tooth tigers. The situation is rarely life
> > or death. Ask, What's the worst that can happen?
> > What's the best? What can I learn? What would I do if
> > I had no fear?
> >
> > 3. Confusion.
> > The sense of being lost or unclear about our
> > direction. The sense that
> > we don't know our own priorities anymore. The
> > solution: Responsible
> > Choices. Choose your values and priorities and set
> > your own path. Your life is yours. Check your moral
> > compass, pick a direction and do something
> > extraordinary!
> >
> > 4. Guilt.
> > The belief that we have hurt or failed or sinned and
> > deserve
> > punishment. Guilt is either accurate, because
> > sometimes we do behave badly, or it is false and
> > simply an illusion. The solution: If we have
> > transgressed, we must make restitution, ask
> > forgiveness, learn from our error and move on. If it
> > is false guilt, set it down as an unnecessary and
> > irrational burden.
> >
> > 5. Shame.
> > The belief that we are worth-less than others, that we
> > have a terrible,
> > incurable flaw. It is not that we have done something
> > wrong (guilt),
> > but that we are bad or wrong. The solution: Clear,
> > rational thinking.
> > Everyone has behaved badly, but no one was created
> > badly! Any flaws only serve to make you stronger, more
> > heroic or more compassionate toward others.
> >
> > 6. Loneliness.
> > The belief that no one loves us, that no one cares and
> > we must
> > desperately cling to anyone who finds us attractive or
> > acceptable. This creates dependency, not intimacy. The
> > solution: Accurate Self-Assessment. Not everyone will
> > love you, but many people will if they meet you, get
> > to know you, and spend time working/playing along side
> > you.
> >
> > 7. Resentment.
> > Holding anger and refusing to move beyond real or
> > imagined mistreatment
> > in the past. Some people spend their whole lives as
> > "victims", nurturing a terrible event in their past.
> > The solution: Let go! Life is not fair and people do
> > not always behave well or kindly. Use your trauma to
> > make you wise, kind, gentle, and strong. Holding anger
> > will not work.
> >
> > 8. Self-Doubt.
> > The repeated, endless questioning of your own
> > abilities, opinions or
> > actions. The inability to take a stand, to act boldly,
> > or to
> > follow-through. The solution: Action! Think clearly,
> > then take action
> > and follow-through. Start small, but do it! You are
> > the world's expert on your life! Use your wisdom to
> > live well.
> >
> > 9. Stubbornness.
> > The refusal or inability to re-assess a situation,
> > change your mind, or
> > admit you were wrong. The solution: Wisdom and
> > Humility. Only a fool
> > stays on a course that is headed for disaster! Search
> > for new and better information, remain flexible, open
> > and creative. When the situation changes, adjust
> > accordingly and set a new course.
> >
> > 10. Addiction.
> > Humans become addicted to drugs, but we also become
> > addicted to our
> > jobs, our opinions or our lifestyle. We can be
> > addicted to people and need them rather than love
> > them. The solution: Take a vacation! Periodically,
> > walk in someone else's shoes. Break your habits,
> > re-arrange your schedule, delegate those things that
> > only you can do "right". Use habits and traditions to
> > set you free, don't let habits enslave you!
7/30/2005 10:13:00 AM
